It’s been months since I’ve written a single word, it’s always when I find myself in most distress that I manage to work up the will to write again.
I never know what to say, the times of rapidly flowing words now seem a long lost memory and I feel caged and stuck most of the time. So much has happened in my life for me to get to this point and I feel like I’ve lost myself.
This was supposed to be my year, the year where I make or break it and honey… So far I think I’m not only breaking it, I’m completely demolishing it… Argh, haven’t felt this insecure and frustrated about my life in months.
I’m laid in bed, with an eviction notice on my bedside table and 5 quid in my wallet, I can’t work today because I’ve injured myself and I’m going to be forced to work tomorrow…
Oh, I forgot, to top it all off – I’m an escort.
It’s a sad lonely life that of an escort, either you lie and pretend you’re someone else or you end up surrounded by horrid people… I’m the latter, I thought telling the guy I was seeing was a good idea (I know, don’t judge, stupid move but I don’t like lies) and it clearly wasn’t… No Shit, Sherlock! He treats me like one of my clients would except he doesn’t pay, and somehow its making me really hate my job and the men I see. And yes, I know, what do they have to do with it? They don’t… They’re just men and their attitudes remind of Chris (we’ll call him Chris cos hey, his real name is ugly).
I met Chris on one of those stupid online dating sites – damn you technology! – and although we did start talking for all the wrong reasons I felt like the conversation flourished for the right ones, I ended up telling him things that I probably never even told my loyal friends – pen and paper. We met and we had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, I felt connected to him instantly but God how I wish I didn’t…
He was and is wrong for me in so many ways, he’s incapable of loving and he knows it.