I’m giving up on keeping up

Two weeks have passed and I feel like my life just keeps going downhill… By now you’re probably sick of my constant whining but fuck me is life hard right now! Seems like nothing is in my favour, still homeless, got my phone stolen, laptop screen smashed and work is so shit I’m pondering suicide. Work was the only thing that kept me going and even that is now going horribly… Its 2am, I’m sat in the dark in the office and all I wanna do is go home and cry myself to sleep but I can’t even do that because where the fuck is home anymore?!

I’m fearing the worst, I fear I’ll never get back on my feet and that there’s no getting better from this. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

Why is my life in such a horrible mess? I love someone who will never love me (and fuck me do I love him), I’m completely broke(n), I don’t know where I am or where I’m going or if in fact I’m even meant to be going anywhere.

In my mind I just want to travel, meet beautiful people and regain my trust in humanity. I have far too many responsabilities to just pack a bag and go wherever my heart takes me, biggest one of them is my Mum – who funnily enough used to tell me I’d probably become a prostitute aha look where I’m now momma… And even though she’s the most wretched, manipulative, deceiving creature I’ve ever met I can’t just abandon her like my brother and sister; but sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m only helping her out just to apease my guilt, just so I can feel like I’m better than my siblings because I’ve always been the worst one.

-”Why can’t you be more like your sister?”, ”Why can’t you be more like your brother?” these phrases are so deeply engraved in my mind that till this day I can still picture her shouting them at me as if I had any fault of being different… The physical and mental abuse didn’t stop at that but I don’t feel like getting into it now; in fact I don’t feeling like getting into it ever.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am so broken I can’t even maintain one topic throughout a stupid blog post…

 

 

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So much for keeping up

Remeber when I said I started this off because I was planning to write everyday? Yeah, that clearly failed.

Needless to say this past week has been beyond crazy, from moving out penniless to coming to Portugal on holidays it’s been absolute madness, spent most of last week working my ass off and crashing at hotels and if I’m honest I still don’t have a ”home” but I realised that maybe that’s okay… And I truly believe everything happens for a reason, this situation can’t be any different.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t give myself the credit I deserve, I’ve survived until now and I can’t let this bump along the road make me lose hope. I’m strong and I’m a badass and everything is going to be just fine.

I’ve also realised that things upset me so much because I’m so lonely, I hardly trust anyone and feel silly whenever I talk about my life, makes me feel like Im being selfish by focusing the attention on me… That’s probably why I still cry myself to sleep whenever anything reminds me of Chris, and trust me – a lot reminds me of him.

 

I swear I’ve never had a blog

It’s been months since I’ve written a single word, it’s always when I find myself in most distress that I manage to work up the will to write again.

I never know what to say, the times of rapidly flowing words now seem a long lost memory and I feel caged and stuck most of the time. So much has happened in my life for me to get to this point and I feel like I’ve lost myself.

This was supposed to be my year, the year where I make or break it and honey… So far I think I’m not only breaking it, I’m completely demolishing it… Argh, haven’t felt this insecure and frustrated about my life in months.

I’m laid in bed, with an eviction notice on my bedside table and 5 quid in my wallet, I can’t work today because I’ve injured myself and I’m going to be forced to work tomorrow…

Oh, I forgot, to top it all off – I’m an escort.

It’s a sad lonely life that of an escort, either you lie and pretend you’re someone else or you end up surrounded by horrid people… I’m the latter, I thought telling the guy I was seeing was a good idea (I know, don’t judge, stupid move but I don’t like lies) and it clearly wasn’t… No Shit, Sherlock! He treats me like one of my clients would except he doesn’t pay, and somehow its making me really hate my job and the men I see. And yes, I know, what do they have to do with it? They don’t… They’re just men and their attitudes remind of Chris (we’ll call him Chris cos hey, his real name is ugly).

I met Chris on one of those stupid online dating sites – damn you technology! – and although we did start talking for all the wrong reasons I felt like the conversation flourished for the right ones, I ended up telling him things that I probably never even told my loyal friends – pen and paper. We met and we had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, I felt connected to him instantly but God how I wish I didn’t…

He was and is wrong for me in so many ways, he’s incapable of loving and he knows it.