Two weeks have passed and I feel like my life just keeps going downhill… By now you’re probably sick of my constant whining but fuck me is life hard right now! Seems like nothing is in my favour, still homeless, got my phone stolen, laptop screen smashed and work is so shit I’m pondering suicide. Work was the only thing that kept me going and even that is now going horribly… Its 2am, I’m sat in the dark in the office and all I wanna do is go home and cry myself to sleep but I can’t even do that because where the fuck is home anymore?!
I’m fearing the worst, I fear I’ll never get back on my feet and that there’s no getting better from this. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.
Why is my life in such a horrible mess? I love someone who will never love me (and fuck me do I love him), I’m completely broke(n), I don’t know where I am or where I’m going or if in fact I’m even meant to be going anywhere.
In my mind I just want to travel, meet beautiful people and regain my trust in humanity. I have far too many responsabilities to just pack a bag and go wherever my heart takes me, biggest one of them is my Mum – who funnily enough used to tell me I’d probably become a prostitute aha look where I’m now momma… And even though she’s the most wretched, manipulative, deceiving creature I’ve ever met I can’t just abandon her like my brother and sister; but sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m only helping her out just to apease my guilt, just so I can feel like I’m better than my siblings because I’ve always been the worst one.
-”Why can’t you be more like your sister?”, ”Why can’t you be more like your brother?” these phrases are so deeply engraved in my mind that till this day I can still picture her shouting them at me as if I had any fault of being different… The physical and mental abuse didn’t stop at that but I don’t feel like getting into it now; in fact I don’t feeling like getting into it ever.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I am so broken I can’t even maintain one topic throughout a stupid blog post…